Sleep??

So one of the worst things about this deployment for me is sleep. I have no idea what it is anymore. Its plain and simple I just don't sleep. Its not that I don't want to sleep I can't sleep. I am absolutely exhausted, my eyes burn, my body is so tired, but my mind is constantly going. I stay awake until I just get so bored and I have to force myself to go to sleep. But then either one of the girls wakes me up or I just wake up on my own and the process starts all over again. The weekdays suck because I know I have to be up at 645 but as you can tell that doesn't even matter. Because its now 315 and I have been up since 230.

I am so tired of this stupid rollercoaster of emotions as well. I can be so happy and think about what an amazing weekend I had. But then I'm like well I haven't talked to my husband at all and I really wish he could have been apart of it. And the whole cycle starts again of being sad and searching for something to bring me to the point of getting by again. People who haven't experienced something like this can have no way of knowing how it feels or what its like. I can't even put into words correctly how all of it really is.

I've realized that I'm not one of those wives who really worries too much as far as safety and that sort of thing goes. Because I have no control over what happens I just kind of go with it but I guess I start getting really anxious and my anxiety picks up a bit when I don't hear anything for a while. And I think thats one of the things that stops me from sleeping. Its just stupid and I hate it more then anything. And when it gets to the stage where I am kinda down again I just want to keep to myself stay busy and not have anything to do with anyone but the girls and the kids I babysit. But then once I get somewhat "normal" again then I want to be around people. I think its easier to just be in my own little world keeping myself busy as possible. I think thats why I have so many tasks that I do around the house, now if they would just make it so I could sleep at night. And the last thing I want is to take a sleeping pill because then I wouldn't hear the girls and I don't want the aide of something else to make me sleep. I don't remember the last time I had a dream or a dream I can remember. I think I just pass out from being so tired and "nap" and then start the whole process of forcing myself back to sleep. And I really wish I could have a dream because then I usually dream about Billy and I really wish I could. Because usually they are all happy dreams and we are together and that is something nice to be able to wake up to, but my mind when I wake up is always blank. It really makes me sad that in over a month I haven't had a single dream about him whether its a good one or a bad one, any dream would be nice. :/

I really am not this sad unhappy person. I just get stuck in these moments where life just sucks for a moment. And if I could just get some decent sleep maybe I could handle these moments I little bit better. And the one person who can make them all better you don't have the option of just calling them up and be like I just need to hear your voice. Its oh I suppose I could send them a message so maybe in a few days or hours or whenever they get this they can see "oh she was having a rough time". Its just dumb and I get mad at myself for getting upset because its like really what does that solve? How does being sad or mad or whatever the case may be change anything?

But it just makes it so much easier to just cry and let it all out after having a rough day. Yesterday was a day that just could not go right. I had a constant pounding headache and my eyes were just hurting the entire day but I don't have the option or luxury of just staying in bed and not doing anything. Nevaeh was in my room by 745 asking for Mickey Mouse and breakfast. Then Makenna was awake. And then we eventually finally got around after not being able to find keys, shoes, and just stupid little things. Then I get to the store get the things that I need. Then get into the checkout aisle and realize I forgot one thing but I do not feel like going back and getting it. Get home and start making food to take over to the Haas' and realize I am missing an ingredient. But before that getting the groceries and the girls out of the car and Maddy decides to take off down the road its 96 degrees and I am running down the block chasing after the idiot dog. At that time Nevaeh is inside I come back and she is in the middle of the road. Saying "What happened?" So where do you think "happened" to her, her naughty butt who knows she is not allowed in the road without holding a grown ups hand sits in timeout until she can tell me she is not allowed in the road alone. (whoever is reading this spare me the lecture)

I think I need a vacation and just getaway from everything where I don't have to do a single thing and I just don't have to think. But that wont happen in the next year so I will continue to not get sleep and keep the girls completely busy and happy because the only thing besides hearing my husband voice is their laughter and Nevaeh just talking a mile a minute about something because she is so happy and exited about something, those 2 things are what really get me through my days. Sorry if that sounds sad or depressing but why lie and sugar coat things? Most days I'd say 6 out of 7 are normal and just lacking sleep. So I think 1 day to sulk and get all the emotions and stresses out is pretty good. So I've gotten it out and its time to start the cycle of the week all over again...4 days until the weekend. Maybe I'll get sleep then.