12 days

12 days since I last heard my husbands voice or new how he was doing. I miss him. There are moments when things get rough and I feel alone. This is one of those times. I don't want to hear that I am strong and blah blah blah...

Just for right now I would like to be that weak wife that just wants her husband home and safe. Or at least a phone call or message saying "Hi, I'm fine. I love you".

12 days isn't that many in reality but when it does to your mind and leaves you wondering. What it does to your dreams...

For this moment I will be weak I will cuddle up in my bed and cry because I miss him. I think I have right to that.

Go figure I would let the dog out at 10pm to hear Taps playing loud and clear....Blah sometimes this life just sucks.

Tomorrow I'll be strong again but for now I just need to let it all out.

The Little Things...

Deployments are tough.

I think that statement stands alone. I don't like to say that they are tougher on a single person during the year when that person is gone, everyone experiences there own ups and downs through out the time period. We all cope and try to get through it in our own different ways. I personally find it difficult when people try to compare or say they understand, when how could they? Besides those who have their significant other ripped away from them, left to raise children, take care of the house, step up and be mom or dad. We are the ones who have to pick up the pieces, explain why they are gone, sleep alone, worry, keep everyone informed. We are the ones who have to be strong when thats our only choice. We cry during the National Anthem, long for our significant other when we see someone in uniform. We are the ones who cheer when one of our friends gets to reconnect with their loved one whether it be R&R or a Homecoming. We are the ones being the support of our fellow Military Community letting them know we are right there with them every step of the way. We celebrate life and we mourn death. We are the ones in the background trying to just make it through the day. ( I can't speak for my husband or the one who is deployed. I listen to the things he says, he is the one away missing out on everything here and dealing with his own hardships and battles (no pun intended at all there). BUT I can't personally put into words how he or how anyone in that situation feels because I haven't been on that side of the fence)

For me this blog is therapeutic, I love to write, thats me. I have always done so. (ask my parents, I'm sure at some points I drove them crazy) I don't write this blog for anyone in particular except maybe the girls and for my husband so they can have memories to look back on one day. Honestly every time that I write a post I don't expect anyone to even read what I have to say. I appreciate all of you that do take the time to read my words. Can sympathize, can laugh, cry, cheer, and enjoy all the special moments I share. It really does mean the world to me that you (yes you) take the time to read my ramblings. That you want to be apart of our lives. We are just a little family of 4 (soon to be 5) that just love one another so much and find the most joy in being together and having fun. We love to laugh, play, dance around, hang out all day in our pajamas. We don't miss an opportunity to be little kids with our kids. We are big goofballs that are a bit weird but we compliment each other and we know one another better then anyone could know us. Its not something we have to work at because we just love each other and when you love someone so much marriage, friendship, being a parent really shouldn't be work. Yes it can be hard and trying at times but even those moments that are more down then up its a learning experience it shows you where you need to adjust things a little bit or fix the mistakes that you may have made. I am no where near perfect and I am forever trying to make things better with being a parent and wife (as well as daughter, sister, granddaughter, and friend) but isn't that what life is? Everyday we are learning and growing and making ourselves better for the people around us. We do our best and thats all we can do others can either take it or leave it and those people that truly matter take every single little part of you and love you just the same. I'm thankful that I do have those people in my life, they make each day worth living, smiling, they make these deployments a bit easier to deal with and cope when days are rough.

When I say its the little things...Those are the things that make deployments rough. Its hard enough being alone for a year without the person who means everything to you but then put them in a situation where you really have not a single clue how they are doing from day to day. You just wait for that message, phone call, or means of communication that lets you know they are okay. Fine we've got that covered. It sucks we all get that. But its the little things that get me. When I have to tuck my little girls in at night alone and give them double the hugs and kisses because the person who is there by my side every single night doing it with me isn't there gets to me. Something as simple as giving them a bath and wanting to walk in and see a complete disaster not because they did something but rather daddy decided to fill the bath with a half a container of bubble bath, or he is sitting there right beside them splashing away. Putting them in the car alone, its nice having that extra set of hands helping out, or even just having him here to drive where ever we may be going. Its somebody to sit at the table at night and yell at the girls because they rather play with their food and blow bubbles in their drink. Its the littlest thing as seeing those god damn boots, pts, acus/multicam, rolled up socks, nasty tan t-shirts thrown all over the house. Most of all its the smallest thing as getting your own kiss goodnight and being able to sleep in peace knowing that your entire family is under one roof safe and you can sleep at ease knowing where each of them are. Its having someone to go the "special doctor appointments with". Or watching our daughters grow, I HATE having to catch it on video or get a picture, trying to remember every single little detail so I can tell him later. I just want him here to experience it all for himself.

BUT...

The best part? I could never change a thing. I have gained a new appreciation for life and day to day moments. The silliest things that sometimes shouldn't be important I now and again find myself clinging too. I treasure my family and friends so much more. I don't take for granted the impact a video or a picture can have. I still sit down and write letters, the letters I have received from my husband are some of my most treasured items. I take the time to appreciate the smallest thing because he isn't here to enjoy it and I want to make sure that I make the absolute most of something for him as well. I am so thankful for our life and love the ups, the downs, the in betweens. It just keeps getting better and I never want it to end, regardless of the path we may end up on I know we will be just fine because we have each other, our children, families, and friends.

Told You So!

Nevaeh just came running into the kitchen...

MAKENNA IS BEING NAUGHTY! SHE TURNED ON THE WATER....

The hot water.

All I can do is shake my head.

They are just like their daddy. ;)

Good Day

The girls and I had a really good day today. Its so nice in the mornings not having to wake up for anyone but them. They climb into bed with me munch of some type of breakfast food and watch cartoons until about 8am. Nevaeh is usually in the room around 6-630 and most of the time Makenna is still sleeping when we go into the living room and start getting ready for the day. Now if Nevaeh could just figure out how to sleep in a bit longer. So once we were all awake we got ready for the day, no rush but I wanted to get out of the house fairly early so we could make our way to the County Clerk so we could register our new car and get the plates. I am so thankful for some of the military "perks". In Colorado if you purchase a vehicle you can just fill out a simple form and it waives the taxes, can't beat that because it would have been a "pretty penny" if we were to register the car in Michigan. And our fee is even less then what we pay for the saab. So you can't beat that.

I am so thankful that I do have such well behaved girls and I can take them anywhere and not have to worry about them going crazy. Of course I brought Nevaeh's leap pad and the iPad along incase if it was a long wait but it was maybe 7-8 minutes before our number was called. We were out within 15-20 minutes. They shared a chair and quietly sat and played their games while I took care of everything. Its also a relief to be prepared and to have everything you need so there are zero worries and not having to go back later. I always get nervous when I have to do stuff like that alone because lets be honest my luck sucks and I always seem to miss something. And I had been stressing about having to deal with doing this for a while. That was supposed to be SOMEONES job before he left but didn't have a chance. So I had to take care of it. Well I did it and I am definitely proud of myself and now can offer advice if anyone runs into the same issue that I did. But really having the girls act right makes things even easier because I can focus on what needs to be taken care of and know they are just going to sit there. Thank you thank you Nevaeh and Makenna for listening to me so well.

Their reward a trip to the mall! Thats a win, win situation. Go figure as soon as we arrive Nevaeh says she is hungry and wants chicken and fries. Thats my girl! So Chick Fil A it was. Nothing like lunch at 1045/11ish. Then we went to The Children's Place, Nevaeh is growing like crazy as is Makenna but Nevaeh is the one who needs the new clothes since we don't have any for her size. But I can't just buy Nevaeh stuff without buying Makenna things as well. So they both got a few new outfits and Nevaeh just HAD to carry the bag. She was quite persistent on that, but when isn't she? Then, we just sort of wandered around for a little while..I don't have a problem with that its nice to get out of the house.

Then another of Nevaeh's demands was the car was just so dirty so we had to go to the car wash. So now the car is nice and clean. I did have to wake her up because she fell asleep in the car and was like "Oh wow" once she realized we were in the car wash. LOL love her. Makenna dozed on and off obviously not that big of a deal to her. haha

Now I was just told its bath time and as I type this Nevaeh is throwing all the bath toys into the tub and I am the one who just turns the water on. So I guess this is the end of this post because I know if I don't get in there in the next couple minutes, Makenna will take it upon herself to turn the water on and that is never a good idea.

They definitely keep me busy but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Hellllo 2012

I always say that I am going to keep up with my blog then life gets in the way and its gets pushed to the furthest part of my brain. I miss writing in here. Its such a release and I love being able to share whats going on in our lives in my own words. So a must do is to keep up with this. I will keep up with it...(maybe..ha)

I can't believe its 2012 and already February. I know I always say this but honestly where has the time gone? I swear sometimes I am just standing still and life is just zooming past me. SO much has happened in just the last 4-5 months.

Billy came home on an extended leave at the end of October, he made it in time for Halloween! He was here for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and even the New Year. Which I will be forever grateful for those special moments we are able to spend together as a family when I know so many who aren't able to do that. We had the best time ever. So many wonderful moments, so many laughs, and just overall amazing time. But thats how it always is when we are all together. Nobody else matters but the 4 of us. We of course have our ups and down but for the most part always ups. I am so thankful that I have the most supportive, understanding, loving, caring, hilarious, sexy ;) husband a wife could ever ask for. (There are a billion more adjectives I could use to describe him but I won't use anymore don't want to embarrass him too much). I am thankful everyday that he is in my life. Yes its rough having him away but how much he loves me and I love him it makes up for all the time he is gone. When I get that phone call after not hearing from him in a while, or even just an email saying his okay makes my entire day and its just one of those things where its just a little bit easier to keep pushing on through this deployment. This deployment has had its rough moments with people who are supposed to be close and supportive of us really making life hard for me. It makes me question every thing I do but I have come to terms that I can't make everyone happy, its not my job to do so. I don't owe anyone anything and nobody should think they are entitled to anything. I make you all apart of our lives because I want to not because I have to. I have separated myself from those people because who really needs those in their life? If you can't support us as a whole or think that I am the "mastermind" behind the family you are wrong. Yes when Billy is away I do have to make the majority of our families decisions but each decision is carefully decided and I take into consideration what his opinion would be or what he would think is best. And if anything I wait until we talk so I can ask him what he thinks WE should do. And a lot of the time decisions that pertain to him he decides those, how is it my choice to make when its something that deals with him? If he wants you to know he will tell you, he is more then capable of typing on the computer or making a phone call. And if he wants me to tell things, gosh you should all know that I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut so soon as I get an okay I am blabbering away! I just have a really hard time with people thinking that they know everything that is going on in our lives when they really don't know that much. Or people thinking they have a right to talk to me poorly or talking about me behind my back when they don't even have a justifiable reason to do so. I am so very thankful for the amazing support I have from my husband in these hard decisions and choices I have to make. Thankfully he does understand and even though he is so far away is always there to listen and he is there offering advice and telling me it is okay to make those decisions and would never be mad at me for the ones that I have made. So thankful for him, I am beyond lucky that I have found such an amazing man. I love our life together and its so exciting, fun, passionate, enjoyable, comfortable, it just feels right and there isn't a single person who was made for me more then him.

During the time Billy was here we found out I was pregnant, yes again. This baby is our last this baby making machine is out of commission after this one. Fingers crossed we have finally gotten our boy, if not we already know we make amazing little girls. :) I had my first OB appointment a couple weeks ago and my due date has been moved up to August 14th. So with me having a c-section it puts is about August 7th. But who knows I went into labor earlier then that with Makenna so maybe a repeat? LOL I would be so amused if it was the 3rd! (My mom's birthday is Aug. 1 and Billy's is Aug.2 so to have the baby the 3rd..would definitely make things interesting) I will be finding out the sex while I am in Michigan next month. I don't want to be alone for such a big appointment. So excited to have my parents there...But don't think any of you will be finding out what we are having. I made a promise to Billy that I will not say anything until he finds out first. And I also promised the girls and I will only be 2 things for the baby. Stubborn man! ;) But we have the carseat, bassinet, swing, etc already all picked out. And I am in LOVE with it. I also found a new stroller that I want so bad but its like $300+ dollars. (so that is something I definitely have to work him on..)

Next month we will be in Michigan! WOOHOO vacation. I am beyond excited and wish this month would just get over with already. I am ready to just getaway for a while and enjoy family and friends. We will also be there for Nevaeh's 3rd birthday. Yes thats right she is going to be 3. Gosh makes me feel OLD! I swear she is 3 going on 10 sometimes with the way she talks and/or says things to me sometimes. I am in for it because she already has the attitude down perfectly. She is very excited to go to Grandma and Grandpa's its so finny the things she associates with them. She has already asked to go to the beach since last time we were there it was summer...So she automatically assumes it will be nice when we go. I have to take her 3 year pictures soon and get birthday invitations out. Just wait until you see the theme! 100% Nevaeh. lol

Makenna is just Makenna. Constantly making me laugh and always wanting to cuddle. I am definitely not complaining about that. She is talking like crazy even though she is always silent when I try to get her to talk on Skype or over the phone. I promise she isn't mute! She is getting so big and she is definitely the one who is not afraid of anything. I am forever having to watch her because she likes to explore and climb everywhere. She definitely gets that from the both of us. But its great motivation for Nevaeh who can be a bit reserved once she sees Makenna doing something she cannot let her upstage her and has to do it too. They are the perfect combination together and make everyday worth it. <3

Life is falling into place right now and I'm just trying to take it all in. I cannot wait for Billy to be home sometime in May, our new addition in August. Then BIG things at the end of the year. Gosh its all so exciting and it sucks that it all seems so far away. Life is going by so fast but the moments I want to get to seem so far away. I don't want to rush things but I much rather have Billy home with us to enjoy it all.

Where did this past year go?

It feels just like yesterday that I was at my pre-op appointment getting ready for Makenna's arrival. Little did I know that very morning I would gradually begin going into labor and by that afternoon everything just sort of took off...And by 8pm she is born and I am out of surgery. Its just all so crazy to think about. She is not my little baby anymore, she is turning into my crazy little toddler who is ALWAYS moving and on the go. But, she love love loves to cuddle and have mommy hold her. I love that both girls are like that, they don't mind the hugs and kisses and cuddles. We can thank daddy for smothering them in those so now its just 2nd nature for them to constantly give all the loves and cuddles. (I'm not complaining one bit about that) I can't believe she is 1 and walking. She gets into everything!!

Hmm her favorite things are the garbage, giving Maddy treats, listening to music and dancing (she loves twinkle twinkle little star, 5 little monkeys, and anything britney spears! haha I love it) She just dances and makes her little singing noises. So much fun to watch. She loves going for walks, playing outside with chalk and the rocks. She has to have anything Nevaeh has in her hand at that time. She is the easiest little thing to feed in the sense she is a garbage disposal and whatever you give her she will eat. Which makes me very happy because I don't need 2 extremely picky eaters! Makenna loves to get on skype and talk with daddy, grandma, grandpa, uncle gunky, holly bear, and kobe and without a doubt a very close 2nd. She enjoys sharing her food and "bas" with them. Her favorite thing though is giving daddy kisses. She just smiles and giggles the entire time. She is going to have no problems when he comes home. :)

She really doesn't have a favorite toy, hopefully the fun stuff we got her for her birthday will change that though! (fingers are crossed) She needs a distraction away from the garbage, toilet paper, and random things like that.

I can honestly say that I was super bummed that Billy and I weren't together for our Anniversary yesterday. But I am extremely sad that he wont be here to celebrate her 1st birthday. She is without a doubt a daddy's girl and I truly think that is a cause of her recent sleep issues. Tomorrow is going to be a fabulous but rather sad day. Fingers crossed that everything goes how it supposed to and the computer will bring us together for an amazing skype date to celebrate Makenna Skylar's First Birthday. Daddy, cake, presents how can it get any better besides him being right here with us? We definitely take what we can get.

Plenty of pictures and videos will be posted at some point.

Kenna baby..Daddy, Mommy, and Nevaeh love you so very much. You have brought so much joy and laughter into this family and we don't know what we would do without you. Without a doubt the most amazing Christmas gift we could ever ask for.

Sorry its been a while.

I know I haven't posted in a while, life has seem like its going in fast forward and slow motion all at the same time. I'm trying to think of what we have been up to since the last post. We are actually really boring. I feel like I'm constantly cleaning, mowing the grass, and picking up after the girls. That all in itself is exhausting and can be an all day thing. I feel as though I can never keep up with them, those is always clean but there is at least 1 room that is always messy. Life is so much easier when Billy is home. Another set of hands is really helpful. Plus he has his tasks that he does around here and helps out with the girls. Not to mention something as easy as emptying the dish washer is really helpful. I really wish he was here to take care of the outside of the house. I am managing but its still a long process that I have to do 1-3 times a week.

The girls are doing great. Nevaeh is hitting the terrible 2's hard and she frequently visits timeout. She is hilarious though with some of things she says, all I can do is shake my head. Her "new" thing during our night time routine is giving me a high five before I leave the room. I have no idea why but apparently its necessary. I will start to leave and she will say "Mommy High Five". Right Nevaeh because thats what normal people do before they go to bed. Potty training is going really well. Only a few accidents here and there. For the most part though she is doing great. She always tells me when she has to go or will just go by herself. Number 1 is going well number 2 different story she has only done that a few times. So its a work in progress. We have gone on a few walks and couple trips to Taco bell :) (there is a new one that opened down the road) And she has just worn her underwear and we have yet to have an accident with that. She as of a few days ago can count to 12! She has been doing a lot of painting and coloring. She loves the hill at the park, she runs up and down and picks the dandelion fluffs and blows on them sending the seeds flying. She is very excited about going to Michigan and seeing Grandma, Grandpa, Uncle Gunky, Holly Bear, and Cobi. I think the number 1 thing she wants to do besides ride on an airplane (LOVES THEM) is go to the beach. She constantly grabs her shovel and pail and asks to go to the beesh. Unfortunately there isn't a beesh around here to take her to. So she will have to get her fill while we are in Michigan. Last week Daddy got to watch via Skype on my phone Nevaeh swim in the pool. She was kicking, jumping, and playing all around. She even carried the phone around talking to him. We are slowly making improvements there.

Playing with her naked barbies.

Running down the hill at the park.

Blowing on a dandelion fluff.

Success!

Makenna is growing like crazy, in so many different ways. She is a lot taller and thinning out a lot. She doesn't have that chunky baby fat look anymore. She is walking! I know that she started a while ago but that was just a few steps. She is now standing up alone and walking large distances. Her preferred method of travel is still crawling but she does walk quite a few times through the day. So walking before turning 1! We are so very proud of her and the huge accomplishment. She went to the allergist last week and he really assured me that I wasn't crazy. I was talking all the precautions and steps that I should be taking. She is still too young for him to do any tests but if she is still having problems this time next year then he is more then willing to do tests (that is if we are still here..We will be referred to another doctor where ever we may end up). But anyway he was angry that we hadn't seen him a lot sooner. And that her regular doctor didn't take it seriously. He was mad that they just kept classifying her rash as eczema and dermatitis, like I've said a million times to her regular doctor I understand that she may have those BUT they just don't randomly appear those both are such broad terms and just mean a skin condition. We have to find out what is causing it. He completely agreed and told me to keep her out of the grass for the rest of the year. We have been pretty good about that and she has only been in a couple times. Do you know how hard it is to keep a 1 year old out of the grass?? Especially when she sees she big sister running around and playing. Not easy at all. Then he told me to try bananas one last time, which we did and she instantly broke out. So he said if she did then not give them to her for 3-4 months and try again. Basically he thinks that she will grow out of it over time as her skin develops more and develops more antibodies to particular things. He said my biggest concern with be anything that is really acidic and will more then likely cause her to break out. So we are keeping away from tons of things and staying with the free of everything products from bath soaps to laundry detergents. Since rehoming Sheldon and Grover she hasn't had as many break outs either. So that really did help even though it was extremely difficult to do. So I think for now we are on the right path and very thankful for FINALLY getting a great doctor who doesn't ignore me and agrees that something is going on..So now we wait.

Makenna loves to skype with daddy. It is so much fun to watch her, as soon as we get a call and she hears his voice she gets to the computer as fast as she can. I have to pick her up right away and she is all smiles for daddy. He talks away to her and she smiles and acts shy. She loves touching his face on the screen and loves when he gives her kisses. They are way too cute. No doubt in my mind they will be just fine when he comes home. Gosh the fact that she will be walking to him when we pick him up for mid tour is just crazy to think about.

She is definitely naughty and I have no idea what to get her for her birthday and its only a week away. She plays with toys sometimes. But she much rather just get into things. She loves getting into the kitchen cupboards and drawers. Her favorite thing is the garbage, toilet paper is another new favorite, and splashing in the potty. Besides that I can't say a single toy that she actually likes to play with. Whatever Nevaeh has she loves to take away from her but doesn't play with it. So sorry people who need ideas because I don't even have a single one. So how about clothes? She is growing like crazy 12 months for pants and then 12 months to 18 months for shirts. It just all depends on what brand if they run big then stick to 12 months.

She is having huge sleeping issues which is making me very very sleepy. She always has a nice full belly and is relaxed before bed. Sometimes already sleeping when we go down. But by about 1am she is awake and not necessarily crying but kind of a cry moan and it will just go on and on. I will check her diaper, clean, give her a bottle, cover her up, and even rock her sometimes. She gets quiet and comfortable, I will get back into bed and all snuggled and she starts all over again. It will go on for hours last night it was for over 2. Sometimes it doesn't take that long but it just means in a couple hours she will be back at it again. She is super clingy too, so I don't know if she is scared or having separation issues. I've started playing music and she has a little stuffed animal/blanket combination to hold. I'm at a complete loss and really hope this doesn't last long because I can't function on barely any sleep. I have tons of things to do through the day and when all I can think is about nap time and bedtime is not a good thing! So anyone who has any ideas go ahead and throw them my way.

I'm doing well minus the lack of sleep. Getting excited for Michigan but dreading it all at the same time. Just because I much rather save money versus spend the amount that will be spent while there. I know it will be worth it but it sucks to have to buy a plane ticket for a 2 year old. Oh well. I still have to buy the girls dresses for Lindsay's wedding and the random thing here and there. I bought them a new stroller because I will not be carrying anyone through the airport and we will need something when we go out and do things. They both love it. Its a side by side, I have always said they are stupid but its actually really nice, the girls love it, and its small and easy to throw into the back of the car. The only thing I am really trying to do besides organize our house more is eat healthy and continue to get back into shape. I am loving the summer time but the weather today isn't exactly cooperating with me wanting to lay in the sun. You have to have sun in order to do that. Maybe our 3rd overcast day of the year but its supposed to burn off later so lets hope it does.

Lets see Billy is doing well. He says thank you to everyone who is thinking of him and sending him packages! They do take a few weeks for him to get but he is getting them. Also thanks for all the birthday wishes and thinking of him while he is gone, it means a lot! He is extremely busy right now and really doesn't have anytime for anything. He has started working out with one of the guys that was a boxer for the army and he really likes doing that. If you are going to send him a package his one main request is "healthy" snacks he is trying to eat better over there. But anything is really appreciated. We thankfully skype pretty regularly mainly on the weekends though. And we will message each other through the week here and there between his guard and patrol cycles. Right now its very hectic so we aren't expecting to hear from him as much. Hopefully this weekend things will kind of get back to normal. I have some really funny videos of him to put up. I hope they make you laugh as much as they make me each time I watch them!! (they both speak for themselves!)

So with the 4 of us life is going great as can be expected. We are counting the days/months until mid tour and just taking each day as it comes. We all like staying busy because it does make the days go by quicker. Next up is our Anniversary (3 years married on the 15th), Makenna's First Birthday on the 17th, Michigan on the 20th, and then Lindsay's wedding on the 27th. Very busy month but thats how we like it!

My one plant that came back from last year. At least it was a good one!