Oh joy

Why is it when I have a good day it's always followed by the worst possible night? It's like I am being punished for having a good day.

Right now I am going on 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Go to bed about 1130 just because my body is achy and I just can't fall asleep. Then to be woken up about 1230 fine no problem, I change the clocks just so its already done. 3 rolls around (2 b/c of the clock change) and one again woke up to screaming...up and down the stairs for the next 2 hours finally get Makenna back to sleep. I'm nice and comfortable snuggled about to fall back asleep, the cat races off the bed and I listen. Nevaeh decided she can't be upstaged by Makenna and has made we way upstairs. Literally 10 minutes ago I had tucked her back in and had gotten her comfortable. Now to tell her to go back to her room and listen to her start to cry in her own loud pitch voice and say. "but my blankeys", well you should have stayed in bed. So once again I am out of bed going downstairs to tuck Nevaeh in. Oh yes I totally forgot that she had also woken me up one other time around 1145 screaming because the bow on Hello Kitty had fallen on the floor...that should have been the sign off how this night was going to go.

It's now 520 and I am wide awake... 18 weeks pregnant and going on 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Welcome to my effing world it's such a fun place to be in.

Where you don't ever sleep. You're always alone. Constantly stressed and worried about everyone else. Have to manage and deal every single day all by yourself and just hope this will be the day that will be easy and you will get that message or here Skype start to ring. You can be told that you will hear from them but that doesn't necessarily mean it will happen. You want to vent scream and say you give up but really thats the last thing you want to do because you don't want that person to worry because they have far more important things to worry about...like staying alive. So my petty stupid annoying frustrating repetitive days really don't mean shit when you have that to compare to. And then it makes me mad here i am complaining and this is what they deal with daily. But I am the one who has to worry about that part as well and will be the one left alone forever to deal with this life alone raising soon to be 3 girls if the unimaginable were to happen. Funny to say unimaginable when it's something a question every single day.

Yep, I am most definitely going crazy. I'm tired of being stressed but it will never end. Now I have to find someone else to watch the cat and dog. Hopefully find someone to take us to the airport. Pack and make sure I don't forget anything. On top of still doing all my other daily crap I have to do.

I hate people looking in at my life and thinking that they have any idea what I deal with everyday. I have being told I am strong, I am not and don't tell me otherwise. Don't try to compare stories or you "understand"... Unless you have dealt with a situation like this you do not have a clue what it's like. Yet I do appreciate the support and love it means everything to me.

I just need some peace and normalcy. I need my husband home to help with the girls and everyday life. I need his support and love more then anything. I don't want to have to worry every second of the day. I want to just getaway with him for a little while and have all his attention on me and mine on him. Especially when for a really long time both our attention is focused elsewhere.

I will say this it's a whole new type of worry when you have one of the husbands who is out fighting almost every single day.

So for now I will get back into bed, try to get a little more sleep. Be thankful for everything and everyone who surrounds me and makes getting through these days possible. Think about how much I love my daughters and husband regardless of everything I have mentioned above. I will hope that I will hear and see the one person I love more then anything and can't live without.

Tomorrow is a new day where I continue to hope for the best and expect the worst. It will be nice when I can hope for the best and get the best in return. Until then... Well I'm not really sure. I'll just appreciate everything I have, I guess.